This past weekend, very hungover and in need of food, I did what any good New Yorker should do — I got brunch with friends, bloody mary’s included, of course. After we sat down and dished on our BLD’s from the night before which always starts with the quesion “what the fuck happened to you last night?”, we slowly transitioned into a very interesting conversation about kissing and the varying degree of bad kissers.
After a bit, we broke it down:
The Stiffy- Usually one with a long narrow tongue, these predators thrust and keep their tongues stiff. Causing the person reciprocating the kiss to gag. For some reason this human almost always physically resembles a bird or prehistoric animal. Or maybe that is just me?
The M.I.A- This type of kisser has a tongue that mysteriously disappears while in mid make out session. Causing the other tongue present to feel dumb and alone. The one who’s tongue goes M.I.A is usually attempting to woo the other into the bedroom. Well, it isn’t going to work if I think your tongue got chopped off.
The Bulldog- A person who seems to have a regular saliva secretion, but then suddenly surprises you with a nice down pour of drool once tongues meet. This might be the worst one of all, napkins should not be needed when making out. Faces are not food, period.
The Limpy- This is a lazy kisser who will throw their tongue in your mouth and leave it there. I have thankfully not experienced this, but it seems that this occurs to more of my male friends than female. Ladies, get your act together [ed note: for serious!]. It might be okay to lay there every once in a while in the bedroom, but your tongue needs to work it during a makeout session.
The Scribble Writer- A tongue that is just…everywhere. Flicking, swirling, twirling, jack hammering, usually causing the person reciprocating to physically push the other one off of them. Your tongue is not a break dancer, a coke head or scribble writer. It is a tongue, doing a slow dance is nice.
If you are one of these bad kissers, please change your ways. You will never get a girlfriend/boyfriend with these awful kissing techniques. What is the worst part of kissing a bad kisser? I’ve realized that it’s the fact you have to keep kissing them. Once the flood gates of kissing have started, there is no turning back. You are stuck until you find a way out.
Hopefully, this little breakdown helps the bad kissers out there, someone needs to tell them that this is probably why they are still single ( or you never got that call back from me).
Do you have a awful date experience? Tell us about it! Email tingting@blaqbook.com
