Fine, I’ll admit it. I have been on and off of OK Cupid for a couple of months now. I figure, hey, why not get some free meals and drinks, and meet new people at the same time? It’s like facebook and google had a baby, but facebook cheated on google with a dating site. Anyway, after a couple of semi okay to disastrous dates, I figured out the mechanics of this monster.
First of all, for men, this is basically a cyber whore house. Voting girls by two types- “bang-able” and “not bang-able”. I must be one of the lucky girls who is “bang-able” as my inbox is overflowing with an array of interesting prospects. Ranging from anorexic hipsters, to Ed Hardy wearing thug brothers from the Bronx, to wanna be Bros, to Wall street douchebags with yellow fever. Oh yeah, and some tattooed hotties as well.
Last night I went on my first OK Cupid date in months. A mixologist from the Standard or Mercer or wherever ( I wasn’t really paying attention). This guy picked me up, but never even left his vehicle to greet me at the door. I could already tell my romeo was lacking in the gentleman department.
After I got in, this douchebag surprises me with the convenient fact he’s broke. Bravo, looks like we are getting beers and hanging out on my roof.
Whilst on the roof, he proceeded to text on his phone as he told me about the fact that he is 33, his time is precious, and he has an insane amount of yellow fever…Lucky me.
As I started talking about my time spent traveling in Europe (which he clearly couldn’t give a flying fuck about), this loser reaches over and sticks his tongue down my throat.
“You have great lips,” my worse-by-the-moment date says. Awesome, well you have a very aggressive tongue?
Afterwards, this wanna-be lothario creepily whispers, “You are so irresistible” and immediately reaches down my shirt to grab my boobs. First of all dumb ass, it’s not even physically possible to pull a boob out of a high necked shirt. Second of all, I just met you 30 minutes ago, do I have hooker stamped across my face?
But then it gets even better. He tries to go up my skirt. I grab his hand and throw it back at him. “Sorry, it’s been a while” my candidate for douchebag of the year apologizes. If it’s been a while, then go home to watch your shitty Asian porn and have a date with your hand lame-o.
After I down my beer, I told him to drive and drop me off at my favorite local bar.
” So we will hang out tomorrow?” He asked. I just started laughing, all the way into the bar where I have never been so happy to see my friends.
Today? OKCupid profile is deleted once again [ed note: We'll see how long that lasts for!]…well, until I have another weak moment of curiosity. [ed note: probably next week]
